From the time we start to verbalize, we are taught to pay attention to words. Words are important. Words contain meaning. Listening to words is important.
The teaching is true...and incomplete. We are not taught deeper listening, and that is where the transformation lies.
Four Levels of Reflective Listening
There are four levels of reflective listening: Mirroring, Paraphrasing, Core Messaging and Affect Labeling
You may be familiar with the first two levels, mirroring and paraphrasing. Mirroring is when you repeat the speaker's words back word for word. Mirroring has an important use, but is not effective for listening another into existence.
Paraphrasing is when you repeat back what the speaker has said in your own words. This has its uses, but never makes the speaker feel validated.
Core Messaging is a skill that requires you to ignore the speaker's words and focus on the speaker's intended meaning. Your reflection is simply what the speaker intended to mean, not what the speaker said.
Affect Labeling is the deepest layer of listening. When you affect label, you ignore the words and reflect the speaker's emotional experience. Affect labeling is the most powerful level of listening.
When you properly reflect emotions, the speaker experiences: